Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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