Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
