I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
