Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?