Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?