I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
