Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
