it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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