I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
