totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
