my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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