I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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