Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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