he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
