I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
