i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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