1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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