I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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