Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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