I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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