you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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