You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
