my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
