Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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