My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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