Christians are straight up FREAKS
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
