i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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