She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
