I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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