The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
