My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!