Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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