Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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