I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
