omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
