her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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