I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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