I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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