So drunk its hurt
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
