I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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