I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
