I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
