Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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