Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
