mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
