I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
