Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
