I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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