I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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