went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
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I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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