I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
