I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
