My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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