I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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