I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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