i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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