I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
