I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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