I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
