Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
